Letting Go of the Trail Behind

I do not need my heart rate monitor to ascertain that my pulse is of the likes of a mountain ascent or when in the shadows of an MRI about to delve into the depths of my brain. Shaking, lonely and anxious, it is pitch black and 2:38 am. I open the bedroom window, a release from suffocation. Despite being high in the playing field that is the iconic Matterhorn, I am amidst flashbacks sitting on my hospital bed in Denver Health. The nurse’s aide who was on 24-hour watch tried to calm me. Her well intended attempt to soothe with stories and jokes only added to the smothering sensations in the debilitating darkness. That darkness hovers again tonight.

My mind has spiralled in the darkness. A vivid concoction of what was and what is, it stirs as rapidly as the beat of my heart. I lean out the window with hope the cool mountain air might ground me. I lay back down. Tossing and turning, visualizing a puzzle scattered in pieces, some broken, some of brilliant colour, some torn and some that simply do not belong. A face unrecognizable for its swelling and bruising, nauseating thoughts of the frozen bag of berries used to ease my throbbing head, flashes of vomit between flashes of ambulance stretchers, surgical lights and medics peering. Where does this puzzle belong? Who can understand and piece it together? Who can accept it as is? In secluded sleeplessness, alone with such dark reflective thoughts, I anticipate morning, the reassurance of its light, with hope and certainty of impermanence. This horror will pass.

At this moment of intense loneliness, the peaks and podiums are difficult to grasp. Puzzle pieces picturing pristine alpine sites, glorious sunrises, reflections of resilience and courage are all out of reach. I know they are there, I know they will return yet through my unwavering tears darkness dominates. 

Below the glow of glaciers with stars shimmering in the night’s sky, I tremble until the light draws my focus from the darkness. Signs of light comfort. 

Tonight marked the anniversary of an evening sorting gear, my bike and passport for a big mountain weekend in the Austrian alps just a handful of valleys away. Healthy, happy and independent, life was good.

Life is good yet tonight I went to bed unworthy, unsettled. Pushing my comfort zone amoung masses of manic mountain runners, the stares and questions broke me last night when everything felt too much. I knew enough to walk away. I knew I needed needed personal space to reconnect with myself. Though I walked away, I did not let go. I hung on to the root tightly like an intimate embrace.

As time distances itself from the day a traumatic brain injury changed my life so drastically, I am increasingly more aware of my needs. Whether I choose to feed the optimistic self-loving voice or the negative self critical one is up to me yet despite my awareness letting go of that which I cannot change is a challenge. Finding calm in chaos and assurance in my breath is developing with time and self-awareness yet tonight I brought my anxiety, my own dark thoughts to bed, not creating space for my mind to settle nor perspective to shift.  Rather than letting them go, I allowed strangers’ queries about wearing sunglasses indoors, the food I eat and the trail I tread to trigger doubtful thoughts of shoulds and what ifs.

Tomorrow marks the day my most important piece of equipment was rocked in a split second; my skull a mosaic, brain bursting through its shattered pieces. As its tessellated bits have taken a new shape, it is no secret that I have struggled to find comfort in my new normal. On this anniversary, sadness and hopelessness feel more powerful than any progress. Returning to those early days post accident, holding tight to what life was supposed to be kept me sleepless. Memories, some in excruciating detail, played on repeat.

Holding on to what I thought life would be before brain injury only restrains me from the benefits of letting go. Any craving for change robs me of moments of welcoming and appreciating all that I have. Holding on creates an imbalance which tends to take me to dark places filled with sadness.

It is only a change in my perspective that can inspire self-acceptance and my trail ahead. To focus on losses or the potential in a glimmering piece of the puzzle long past takes away from the light that is and that can be. Being mindful with respect for the climbs I have conquered rather than a focus on the ones that nearly broke me, when I shift to see the opportunities in mountains ahead, my heart lightens.  

When I tune into the present moment, when I see what I have overcome as strength, when I see the toughest times as learning opportunities, when I let go of the shoulds, what ifs and whys, I create space for the rise of hope and new possibilities. Embracing the art of letting go with the renewal of the morning light, I flow into the day ahead with renewed courage, thankful for the lessons darkness teaches, thankful for the strength I have learned from my scars.