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Cravings wavered between an intense desire to transcend deep in a timewarp to life the way it used to be and yearning for life to be no more.
From autonomous expat racing bikes in the alps to the back of an ambulance racing down the autobahn, intensive care to wheelchair, teetering footsteps to navigating hospital wings, one diagnosis to countless others, I lost any sense of self in endless labels that quickly led to lost hope for life.
Cravings wavered between an intense desire to transcend deep in a timewarp to life the way it used to be and yearning for life to be no more.
From autonomous expat racing bikes in the alps to the back of an ambulance racing down the autobahn, intensive care to wheelchair, teetering footsteps to navigating hospital wings, one diagnosis to countless others, I lost any sense of self in endless labels that quickly led to lost hope for life.
Entkommenm, to escape, was my only focus. Life turned dark and dismal at a speed parallelled to the linedrive following traumatic brain injury. Self-expectations rooted in familiar physical strength, agitation and denial were anything but conducive to healing. Escape the hospital, escape reality.
The accident took my eyesight, appetite and every ounce of my optimism with it. Navigating a trail back to life amoung Bavaria’s pristine peaks that had been a playground for my skis, bikes, snowshoes and running shoes was impossible to imagine. Loss of autonomy, new dependency, I was a stranger to myself yet had no interest in getting to know this unfamiliar antaganosit. This character was not welcome in my story. Stormy and dark, I craved the book to end.
A tenacious supporting cast coddled the intruder. Hundreds of hands enkindled connections to the stranger throughout a rocky trail of chapters in 7 hospitals in 3 countries. Following 26 months, when times of change led to blank pages waiting to be written, there was no more coddling. The skills had been taught, it was up to me to decide how to apply them in the unwritten chapters ahead.
Come along with me through each chapter as I grow from the lessons traumatic brain injury teaches, navigate life with 30% vision while adventuring in mountains and navigating those of my mind. Welcome to my story.
Posts here are rooted in adventure. From first steps in the Andorra Pyrenees to epic ice climbing in the Annapurnas, my first time getting back on skis in the serenity of the Swiss alps to backcountry among the highest of the Himalayas, from getting lost in the company of Fitz Roy to losing my front tooth, these posts will bring you along the trails I run, mountains I adventure in and invite you into the cultures, valleys and peaks that have become my classroom serving daily lessons of perspective and possibility.
New shoulds, eye glasses, and response.
Craving the serenity, simplicity and solitude of life in the Himalayas, where I am disconnected yet connect deeply: inner peace should not be altered. I have work to do.
When Mother Nature sent us to our rooms, the imposition was all too familiar. Thoughts of being alone with only the voices in my head was daunting. I welcomed an unanticipated energy surge, yet nothing lasts forever. The Corona Blues are deep yet a spark flickers.
Something powerful takes over when hanging by an axe hooked into ice, crampons and a collection of carabiners. Presence is where I find inner peace.
I once thought that my TBI and vision loss meant my life had fallen apart, yet today I feel it beginning to fall into place.
When I create space for new possibilities, I flow with renewed courage, thankful for the strength I have learned from my scars.
Heading towards a Swiss peak long before the light of day, a dark trail became a bright, reflective classroom. The teacher, a headlamp.
Where fixed lines and teams with common goals support mountain expeditions, IV lines, and feeding tubes were my lifelines. A medical team escorted me towards their summit, surviving the avalanche triggered by traumatic brain injury (TBI). A collective crew of hundreds partnered to provide the tools and teach the skills. They got me to a base camp, but my climb had just begun.
In these Traumatic Brain Injury and Health posts I invite you to join me on the climb. Throughout times when I struggle and times when I shine, these reflective posts bring authenticity to my story. From piercing stares and glaring mirrors to Rocky relationships and terrifying triggers, battles of worth and feeding wolves, these anecdotes reflect the reality of my brain injury and adventuring with severe vision loss. Join me on my climb.
The world’s 3rd highest peak, my 3rd 8000er, was going to be different. The stories my mind was telling were daunting yet deep within knew that there was potential for greatness to surface from change. It did.
Climbing atop the 7th highest mountain on earth, Dhaulagiri got off to a jagged start. My second 8 000 er was far tougher mentally than physically. I climb on.
As I prepare to climber beyond 8 000m, I reflect upon the healing I have found in the himals of Nepal, and how I strive to personify their characteristics.
A glimpse into my first expedition beyond 8 000 m, to the true summit of Manaslu
Grief is an enigma. Ups and downs, twists and turns, it hides in crevices before it surfaces again without warning.
Room for anything but mindfulness does not exist when maneuvering amidst renowned technical terrain, anchor after endless anchor with frigid fingers and without depth perception, one breath at a time I climbed in body and mind.
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Trying to beat the awfulness i was feelin on the first rotation on Annapurna - Camp 2
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Trying to beat the awfulness i was feelin on the first rotation on Annapurna - Camp 2 |
An eye on Dhaulagiri - a year after summiting (from Mohare Dhanada enroute to ABC)
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An eye on Dhaulagiri - a year after summiting (from Mohare Dhanada enroute to ABC) |
Ideal Acclimatization ~ first summit on Mera Peak (6 654 m)March 2023
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Ideal Acclimatization ~ first summit on Mera Peak (6 654 m)March 2023 |
Annapurna Summit smile!
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Annapurna Summit smile! |
Sunset from Annapurna C3 with Dhaulagiri showing off as we leave for the summit
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Sunset from Annapurna C3 with Dhaulagiri showing off as we leave for the summit |
last light on Dhaulagiri from Annapurna C3
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last light on Dhaulagiri from Annapurna C3 |
Lookin upward after all that was Annapurna
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Lookin upward after all that was Annapurna |
Annapurna -always interesting
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Annapurna -always interesting |
Favourite thing about Base Camp
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Favourite thing about Base Camp |
Home - Kathamandu
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Home - Kathamandu |
Team CIWEC
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Team CIWEC |
Eye spy a lil wind up high as I leave Annapurna C1
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Eye spy a lil wind up high as I leave Annapurna C1 |
